Experiencing ‘The Fear’ In My Business
Here’s the truth: I’ve got ‘The Fear’. The fear of showing up and being visible with my work, the fear of talking about what I do, the fear of creating anything new. How long have I had the fear? A couple of months maybe. To be honest, it’s been doing such a good job of keeping me safe from the rejection it thinks I’m going to get, that I haven’t really been able to identify it. Instead, up here on the conscious level, I’ve been confused and conflicted about why I can’t just get on with it, incredibly indecisive and changing dates and plans, and have a total lack of ideas for written content.
I’ve struggled to blog and to post on my Instagram grid because I just can’t think of anything to say. I changed the dates of a course launch, dallying around thinking ‘I’ll see what people want’ but not talking about it so people didn’t know it was there.
When you write it all down like that it’s like, “umm, duh? Something isn’t right here.” But when you’re in it you put it down to laziness or ‘losing it’, or on the flip side, to being sensible (“I’ll see how it goes before I really push it”). We think that we are consciously in control and just need to push through, or work harder, or get one idea or a stroke of luck and we’ll be ok again. This, my friends, is a house of cards – flimsy excuses stacked upon flimsy excuses. It’s mesmerising, but ready to fall down.
How did I realise I had the fear?
As we were messaging about our plans for the rest of the year and I kept changing my mind and creating parallel strategies for all the possible different scenarios, a friend said to me, “do you think your confidence has been knocked?”. It was like a rush of colour into a world when you’ve been watching with the contrast turned down. I hadn’t noticed it myself, hadn’t given myself time to notice it, but seeing the words it just clicked – of course. That was exactly it, and it was like I’d been given permission to see it in myself.
The last few months have done a number on my confidence, both personally after being let down by a friend, and professionally as I’ve wrestled with what I can give and ended up giving not much at all. A product which I’d thought would transform my business fell flat, I had a mean comment online, and although I’m not crying into my cereal bowl about it and have brushed myself off, these things each added a handful of cards to add to the building fear.
Listening to this month’s Being Boss podcast and Kathleen describing feeling ‘gun shy’ after a period of burn out was another click. I can trace the beginning of my burn out to August 2018, when, panicked by the quiet summer, I said yes to everything, packed my schedule full of clients and put new programmes on sale back to back to back. The ramifications of that panic ran deep through my business and it wasn’t really until this summer that I felt I could look around me and breathe again. For months and months I felt trapped inside a glass box like a zoo animal unable to lift it off for minute just to get some fresh air. No wonder the prospect of a big juicy launch, even for something I care about, leaves me with gritted teeth, teetering on tip toes on the edge. You want to, you feel more able to cope and you know to identify the warning signs and yet. There’s the fear it will happen again.
At this point, I’m not sure I have the answers on how to combat The Fear, but this is my first step. I’m writing this to remove one card gingerly from that precarious house – if a symptom of the fear is that I have no ideas to write about, then I need to just write about what’s in my head. When I got a negative comment I made the decision to stand up and dance to Lizzo for ten minutes instead of letting the Fear take over.
I’ve accepted and, like I said, brushed myself off from the product that didn’t live up to my hopes – and more importantly, I know what was wrong. And for the next launch, the one I care about so much but am so scared of – well, I’ve made a plan. I’ve written all the things out on a calendar so that I can quietly work my way through it without disturbing the fear or shaking the house of cards too hard. Little, little steps.
If you’ve got the fear, you may not feel scared. I don’t feel scared, more a heavy dread and a resounding ‘who gives a crap?’ in my head. If you’re worried, do as I did above and write down all the things that have felt off in yourself and your work. Is your self-talk particularly cruel? Have your routines and habits slumped? Are you getting nothing from the things that used to be most joyful? Are some of your behaviours or feelings out of character (indecisiveness was a big one for me)? Your first step is to identify it as The Fear, not your failure. Then understand why, what cards The Fear is built from, and give yourself a hug and apologise for blaming yourself all this time. Then the little steps, the little actions, to get back out there whether spooking yourself. I hope to see you on the other side of the edge.
