The Eco Lightbulb Principle Of Change
What I am learning, acutely, about change is that it happens glacially over time. Obviously, we don’t want it to happen like this. We want to stand on top of a mountain under a beam of sunlight and shout “I Have Changed” and for that to be all it takes. We want the change of the films we grew up with, where the impossible situation resolves itself and the boy realises he loves her five minutes before the end.
Real life change, however, is more like an eco lightbulb. When you turn it on it casts nothing but a green tinge of barely perceptible light which leaves you groping in darkness for the sofa. It just doesn’t get brighter. You sit in the depressing glow, hating the polar bears for subjecting you to this. Candles would be better. A little time passes, you start to read the magazine next to you and you realise you can see - and in fact, you’ve been able to see for a while. The bulb came good, albeit so infuriatingly slowly that you didn’t notice.
I had an experience like this at the end of last year. I was writing a piece for a magazine about growth (it’ll be out in the spring), and after turning in my first draft the editor gently replied that my description of running my business was a bit too idyllic and far removed from most people’s experiences of cramming all the things into too few hours. I looked back over the piece and not only thought “wow, yes, I sound like a wanker, how did I become so detached from people’s reality?” but also… “I did it”.
It had been a year and a half since I started therapy in the desperation of having lost every shred of personhood by working like a machine. It had been a year since deciding I wanted to change my working day by moving away from one-to-one. As I worked back through that article, now trying to adjust it to seem like I was on the same planet, I couldn’t help but be amazed that I’d actually done it. That dream of a free and spacious working day that had felt utterly impossible was now just…normal.
I say this, not to brag (you will see later that I haven’t much to brag about) but to demonstrate the eco lightbulb principle. Perhaps the cruelest part of true change is that you don’t notice it. You don’t get “the moment” and therefore you think it’s not happening. But I want to PROMISE you it is happening right now, and one day you will look around and think “oh, here it is”.
There is something else about the cinematic moment of change. Often our heroine doesn’t actually do anything in particular. Thinking back to a Christmas romance my mum watched in December, the heroine made a speech about some furniture, drank hot chocolate, made a phone call that was overheard and showed up at a party in a nice dress. She didn’t make a stand about what she wanted or take steps to get herself there; she went home in a strop and the guy chased her in the snow.
You are not a damsel. You do not need to wait for change to be bestowed upon you. You do not need to be ready, or to deserve it. You do not need to be chased through the snow.
There is no one else who decides. Only you.
Sometimes I think this can make your stomach flip, like “oh god, there’s only me”. But listen, this is good news: you control you. You make your decisions and direct yourself through your day. You say “today we eat a vegetable, and tomorrow we eat another”. You say “I am going to turn off the television and start my pile of unread books”. You say “I am going to write a paragraph of my novel while I clean my teeth and wait for the shower to warm up every day”.
I know how INCREDIBLY annoying it is when people say things like “start with tiny changes now because they all add up!!!” with damn smiley emojis and hearts. I know because eighteen months ago I just wanted to know how to not feel like this anymore, I wanted to know how I could have a different life by next week. The trouble is, those things are annoying because they’re true, and we’re so invested in believing there’s a quick fix.
So I’m sorry to be annoying. But hear me out. I’m writing this from an Airbnb I’ve moved to because my ex won’t leave. I have some books, my podcasting equipment and my clothes with me. I don’t know where I’m going to live after the end of this month, I don’t know how I’m going to manage financially to pay for two houses.
And yet I feel hopeful. I’m hopeful because I know the change is happening and that one day I’ll be a middle aged lady looking out of her back door at the rain and all of this will be a dark spot I barely remember. And I’m hopeful because I know I’m in control of myself. I can start doing things that might seem like a drop right now but in 6 months time will be an ocean.
(PS – this was first sent to my newsletter list, but I loved it so much I wanted to publish it here too. I don’t usually publish my newsletters, so if you enjoyed this and would like to receive my monthly letters, you can sign up here)
